The MultiSlash Rayearth Bash
by Narri-chan
Summary: The product of devious minds gone astray! When the knights are away, a new threat menaces Cephiro...and it may be up to some clueless fangirls to put a stop to it and preserve the fandom they love! (In other words, our heroes are dead.)Chapter 4 up!
1. Thus, It Begins

**A/N: Hey ya'll! This stems from an interesting idea Jadeysports proposed in an IM convo. yesterday, and I thought it was just too good to miss out on! (Such a little moocher am I...) So. Here I am. And here it is. And here you are, reading it. ((I hope.))**

**Enjoi!**

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It was a bright and sunny day in Cephiro (yeah, yeah, isn't it always?). The three Magic Knights, Hikaru Shidou, Umi Ryuuzaki, and Fuu Hououji, were departing for Earth after the usual once-a-week Sunday picnic with their friends in the palace. How disgustingly sweet.

As the red kinght, Hikaru, bid goodbye to Pharl Presea and Caldina, she turned to hug her ((cough)) "special friend" Cail Lantis around the neck, ignoring, per usual, the blue-haired pixie fuming and making cutthroat gestures in the background. Unfortunately she forgot about CLAMP's cruel height humour, and had to settle for embracing him around-the-waist. Fortunately, the Cail bent over obligingly to return the hug, a rarely-displayed smile on his face. Meanwhile, Umi was attempting to get SOME kind of romantic reaction from her beau, Ascot, without him turning bright red and going into a stammer. Today, no such luck as when she hugged him as a parting gesture, he went stiff-as-a-board and threatened to fall over backwards. Noting this, Dal Lafarga left Caldina's side ((a gesture almost as rare as Lantis smiling)) to go support him, if need be ((and it definitely looked as if it would)).

Meanwhile, long-time sweethearts Fuu and Prince Ferio were exchanging formal goodbyes. "Formal", for them, meaning holding hands and flirting mercilessly until the last possible moment, and Ferio taking his time "politely" kissing the back of her hand. At last, all romanticism ended either willingly or by Guru Clef threatening to total the room if "this silly nonsense is not ended!!", the Magic Knights clasped hands, the traditional gesture which would return them back to Tokyo Tower and Earth in general. As they left, Cephirans and annoying pixies alike shielded their eyes from the usual blinding flash of light, and moments later all trace of the girls had vanished. Hypocritically, Clef sighed, an arm around Presea's waist (the pharl in question not minding in the least). "One more week until we see them again," his voice echoed around the chamber...

And out the window...

And into the ears of a horrible beast. One SO powerful, SO cunning, that all of Cephiro quaked before its mighty shadow. A monster the likes had never been seen by Cephiran eyes before. One whose grace and agility surpassing ALL others, one SO formidable even the pillar, in the event that Cephiro would ever HAVE another pillar, would even be no match for it! One--

One who should not narrate their own stories?

Eeep! M-miss Authoress-sama...I-I didn't k-know you w-were here...MY, how embaressing! Why, I--

Cut the formailities. My, my, MY...look at the size of that description! You don't have any ego at all, do you?

W-well, you see...I-I was just building up the dramatic tension, for, uh...uh, for future plot development, of course!!

Uh-HUH. Tell ya what...why don't I narrate the story now?

Awwwwwww.... ((slinks away))

Ohhh, he'll be okay. NOW then. Upon hearing the unwitting Guru's declaration, the beast grinned to itself. What a perfect time to act! It hadn't fed for so long, and NOW...now that PLENTY of almost-untouched food was available...why, it was nearly too good to be true.

And it had a whole week to act.

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**A/N: Yaaay, a finished chappie!! Sorry this first chapter was so short...the next one'll be longer, promise. OOOOH, what SUSPENSE!! What THRILL!! HOW can we BARELY WAIT until the NEXT chapter is POSTED?! WHY is the AUTHORESS CAPITALIZING random LETTERS?! And how do we KNOW THEY'RE RANDOM, anyway?! Well, send in lots and lots of lovely reviews to the authoress, and the magical update fairy will come visit your computer while you're asleep! Isn't it MAGICAL?**

**JA!**


	2. The EEEVUHL Slash Monster

**A/N: Hi everybodies!! It's your lovely authoress Narri-chan here, with another chapter of "The Multi-Slash Rayearth Bash!" Yaaaaaay!! realizes no one else is cheering. Cough…yeah, okay. I would like to dedicate this to the Inspiration/Planning Committee! Namely…Jadey (GTJ) and myself. There'd be more though, if you all would get a move-on and start reviewing! Okies?! OKIES!! (snaps whip) READ MY FIC!! **

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Multi-Slash Rayearth Bash

Chapter 2: The Horror Ensues

The slithering horror slid up the palace steps, zipping inside the barred doors with ease, as none were currently on guard duty: anyone rarely was. It quickly hid behind a large column, using the shadows to its advantage. People would surely react violently if they saw 7 feet of quivering gelatinous green goo, with octopus-like tentacles and a mouth full of razor-sharp teeth. …Okay, maybe not razor-sharp…maybe just kitchen-knife sharp. But they could definitely do some damage. Yes…such was the horror of…

…_the Slash Monster!!_

(Dum-dum-dummmm…)

Checking to make sure all was clear, the moldy menace slithered its way down the nearest corridor, at a surprisingly fast pace for a gelatinous blob. For there was much more to this monster than what it appeared to be…which, granted, would be a giant green jello with teeth, but maybe I'm just hungry. The beast's true power was purely parasitic in nature. By infecting the minds of the innocent, it fed, and would prove to be a more formidable foe than Cephiro would ever have faced before.

Sensing prey, the Slash Monster halted outside a great wooden door. Reaching out to test the door with a hesitant tentacle, it found it unlocked…and quickly slipped inside. Fortunately, the occupant was dozing on his bed, fast asleep…for the room's inhabitant was none other than Cail Lantis (the laziest swordsman in Cephiro). Slithering silently over to the bed, the beast placed a tentacle on the napping swordsman's forehead…and began to feed…

(Lantis's Thoughts)

A cold chill swept through Lantis's body, startling him from a peaceful dream about fluffy bunnies and unicorns frolicking in sparkly fields of goodness. Drifting out of his dream, the Cail was surprised to be seemingly-floating in nothingness, a gold-colored mist. 'Gold…' he thought vaguely. 'Why…this mist is almost as the same beautiful gold that Eagle's hair is when reflecting the sunlight…' A picture of Autozam's heir flashed before Lantis's eyes…which was odd, because, if he recalled correctly, Eagle had nothing to do with unicorns and was violently allergic to fluffy bunnies. 'But…that's so cute…' he thought, oddly lightheaded. Almost everything about Eagle suddenly seemed cute. The way he looked so serious when poring over stacks of reports and crew rosters…his brilliant smile he so easily gave away…not to mention how downright sexy he looked all tied up in the FTO's wires, in the heat of battle, and—WOAH!!!'

(Reality)

Lantis sat up with a jolt, eyes widened, terrified and in a cold sweat. He looked around frantically; in case someone should happen to be there yelling 'surprise!' or Clef was messing with his thoughts again as payback for something he'd done…but no one was there. He rubbed the back of his neck, dazed and confused. What was THAT all about? He'd never been partial to thinking of Eagle as anything more than a friend, and suddenly he was thinking all these disturbing thoughts…but his thoughts in general were interrupted by a twitch at his nose. Reaching up to scratch it, he frowned (scaryscary!!), surveying the room around him. His nose always itched when there was a monster close by, and rarely otherwise. Upon getting up to examine his room, from closet to adjoining bathroom, he found no creature lying in wait. Rubbing his itchy nose, he surveyed the room once more, before stepping out into the hall. About to trot down the North Wing for further surveillance, he heard something squish beneath his feet as he stepped outside his door. Bending down to examine it (and really hoping it wasn't chewed bubble gum) he found a small puddle of sticky green goo. Frowning, he dipped his finger in it and found it had the same texture as rubber cement, the Earth glue that the Magic Knights had introduced to Cephiro when Mokona, on a particularly bouncy day, had broken Clef's antique hourglass. But he had never seen it in green before…

Wiping his hand on his tunic, Lantis turned on his heel and started down the hall to Clef's study. Something was not right in Cephiro Castle.

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**A/N: snicker snicker Anyone get why it's called the Slash Monster yet? Ne? Neeee?? Lol…Y'like? Y'don't like? Let me know by clicking the cute little purple button down yonder, okies? Jaaa!**


	3. Close Encounters of the Clef Kind!

Multi-Slash Rayearth Bash

Chapter 3: Close Encounters of the Clef Kind.

Lantis was not the only one to travel to Clef's study, though he knew little of it at the time. The Slash Monster had already arrived at the decorated oak doors. Sliding the door open a crack with one tentacle, the fearsome creature peered inside (which raises a lot of questions, because it has no eyes). What met its eyes was Ascot, being taught a lesson in defensive magic by none other than the Master Mage himself, Clef. Finding sufficient prey within, the Slash Monster waited until their backs were turned, and _sneakily_!! tiptoed in on its tentacles. After feeding off of Lantis, the monster's range had begun improving, and it was aware that it no longer needed direct physical contact with its victims. Scanning the room, it spotted a large closet, and quickly sped inside just as Clef turned around.

"Wait a second…was somebody just…here…?" Clef queried, confused. Ascot shook his head, grinning. "Getting senile, Clef?"

"Quiet. Let's see that spell we just went over."

Ascot focused on his magic, aiming out an open window so as not to ruin any of the Guru's things. He wouldn't make THAT mistake again. He closed his eyes and visualized a streak of lightning splitting across the sky. "Askis Lightning Strike!!" he cried, as small animals ran for cover and the authoress changed her font just for the occasion. Sure enough, a lightning bolt struck the air right before the window, and a fly on the wall died of a heart attack. Ascot leaned against the windowsill, more than a little out-of-breath. That was the hardest magic he'd tried before, he thought as he gulped in air. He felt as if he'd just run a triathlon.

Feeling that no time would be better than this, the Slash Monster extended a tentacle towards Clef, and began again…

Clef's Thoughts…

A wave of nausea swept over Clef, and he gripped a table for support, turning pale. Ascot didn't notice…just as well, for the pain was gone almost as soon as it began. But…his study looked different now. Tinted pale red, he turned to find Ascot in his line of sight. In fact…he was anywhere he looked. Even turning around, it was as if he saw his student out of the corner of his eye. Seeing no other option, Clef just stared at Ascot…as if everything else in the study had suddenly disappeared. His smooth jaw line, flashing emerald eyes…even the beads of sweat on his forehead seemed to hold a new allure. Clef had never noticed how totally hot the young palu was before. Almost all his senses had left him, all his dignity, and especially his love for Presea, vanished almost as if they had never existed. Only Ascot, and the enticing aura surrounding him remained, and Clef suddenly felt extremely predatory…

Ascot's Thoughts…

As he watched the Master Mage, Ascot's motives changed…first, he'd only wanted to see what Clef thought of his performance, but now…he felt different. Every nerve in his body tensed as Clef's piercing lavender eyes locked onto his, and Ascot caught his breath. He was suddenly filled with the desire to touch the mage's face, run his hands through his soft purple hair…also, the fact that Clef was returning his gaze with equal magnitude and coming slowly closer did NOT hurt things. Clef was only inches away from him now, and stunned to speechlessness, he didn't protest when the Guru closed his lips over his (Ascot's) own. No, as a matter of fact he responded eagerly, as the last of his thoughts flew out of his mind…

We now interrupt your regularly-scheduled shonen-ai for a SCENE CHANGE!!

The castle residents, all occupied by their own (cough) "activities", did not notice a large disk-like portal opening up right smack-dab in their castle. Specifically, in the bathroom of the South Wing of said castle. Illuminated in yellow light, the Frisbee-looking portal quivered and vibrated in a low humming sound, until finally, it spit out two creatures…

…right over a toilet stall.

SPLASH!!!

"Gah!!"

"AH—AWWW, MAN!!"

"Get your foot OUT of my EYE!!"

"I can't HELP it!!"

"D'ohhhh…YOW!!"

SPLOOSH!!!

"EwWwWwww…"

"DON'T just STAND THERE!! When someone falls in a TOILET, you HELP THEM OUT?! Y'know?!"

"Oh…my bad."

"YEAH!"

"Well, YOU stuck your knee into my shoulder!! It HURT, too!"

"Whyyy, I oughta—"

Five Minutes and Much Confusion Later…

Two bedraggled forms stood at a long mirror, blow-drying their hair. No, Cephiro does not have hairdryers. Or any sort of electrical system. Isn't hammerspace wonderful?

Upon closer inspection, the two new arrivals appeared to be two teenaged, human girls, roughly 15 years old. The tallest was around 5'9, with curly, dark-blonde hair, in layers that framed her face. She had large hazel eyes, and her skin looked as if it had been just recently tanned. Her companion was much shorter, about 5'2 in height, with short, fluffy red hair with wispy bangs, and direct blue eyes. A rather lumpy (and now, wet) duffel bag rested by her feet.

The shorter girl spoke up first. "You should've been more specific y'know, Narri…you could have WARNED the dumb bunny not to drop us in a toilet."

'Narri' rolled her eyes. "As if this is MY fault? He would've just 'puu-puu'-ed me off, and pretended not to understand me. I'll bet you anything he's laughing his fuzzy little butt off at us right now. YOU know how Mokona is, Jade!"

'Jade' pouted and finished up, putting down the hair dryer. "I wonder if any of the supplies made it?"

"They'd better. I'm NOT making a second trip!" Narri flipped her head over the hair dryer and started fluffing it with a comb.

"Yeah, yeah…" the grumpy Jade opened the bag to examine its contents. "Well, the 'suits' survived…" she grinned up at Narri. "You still get to wear your little costume!" Narri groaned. "Emphasis on 'little'…" She flipped her hair right-side up and continued to fluff it. Suddenly, a horrible look of shock flashed across her face. Hitting her knees beside Jade, the girl rummaged through the duffel bag, pulling out a handful of electronics…a small set of mini-microphones, a PDA, and a sleek little camera-cell phone. Inspecting all of the items in turn, Narri facefaulted. "My PDA isn't turning on!!" Jade snickered. "You mean like in Chobits?"

"Jaaaaade!!" Narri moaned, slumping back against the decorated tile wall. "I'm gonna have to reprogram this thing! And I am –so- technologically challenged!!" Waterfall tears streamed down her face. Oblivious, Jade stood up and brushed herself off. "Well, now we BOTH have a bone to pick with that little rabbit. Him and his crappy humor…" She searched around for something to wrap the wet duffel bag in, and finding nothing else, ripped the curtains off of the window. Narri facefaulted (again) as Jade stooped to wrap their bag in the jewel-encrusted draperies. "Hey…y'think that was worth a lot, maybe?"

"Nah." Jade stood up. "It was obviously costume jewelry. Now let's hit the road: WE'VE got a mission!!"

As the two teens exited the bathroom, a corner of the curtain flicked up to swipe across the mirror, a clear, many-faceted gem leaving a deep cut in the glass.

**A/N: Hiyas, guys! Oh, btw…ya'll know I don't own MKR, right? ;**

**Right! Okay, no need to dwell on that.**

**WOW!! (fake shock) What EVER could Jade and I be doing there?! Will the Slash Monster EVER be captured?! What's taking Lantis so long (see last chapter) and WHAT-OH-WHAT is the DEAL with Clef and Ascot?! And WHY didn't the authoress make this chapter FUNNIER?! (stops, realizing one has dissed oneself) Uhh…well, there's a plotline, see…? (sweatdrops) Whaaaat? There IS!! And it needs time to develop, y'know! But 'tis okies…next chapter will be funnier! (mumbles) Because I'm not good at serious stuff when it's not about romance. SO!! Make sure ya'll review!! What's that? Can't FIND the review button?? (mutters) Idiots… I MEAN… (heheh!)…look right below for my step-by-step instructions on "How to Review!!"**

**Jaaaa!**

**See this cute li'l pruple button? The one the arrow's pointing to?**

**v**

**CLICK!!**


	4. Ha! Ya Thought the LAST One Was Citrusy!

**A/N: Hey guys! Ya miss me? (grin) I just KNOW ya did! Well, I'm back with another chapter of the Multi-Slash Rayearth Bash, and you may curse Jade for any and all trauma this fic may put you through! (ducks behind Jade) Because it's all her fault.**

**Jade: NOT! (pushes me out in front)**

**(ahem) O-KAY. Well, we've got some special bonuses for you this chapter! Check out the end of the chappie for an O! MA! KE! written by Jadey. You CAN blame her for THAT. )3 So eeevuhl…and NOW, I shall ACKNOWLEDGE REVIEWERS' EXISTENCE! (like yours!)**

**JadeySports: Me am glad you think it's brilliant! (3 (squibbles) Ahh, my sole confidante of material in future chapters…this fic would literally not exist w/out j00, Jadey! Tankies muchly!**

**kaze.windam: Glad this made you laugh: we aim to please! Don't worry, I'm finishing it…YES world, I shall FINISH something for once! (stop the presses)**

**Hyperlink/Mokhiniso: Oui, warped minds think alike! (or something along those lines…) THIS fic is the reason you shouldn't leave Jadey and I to our own devices for long periods of time! )3 Eeevuhl is we. **

**Dragon of Winter Nights: Hee! (3 Y'know, I had no idea Clef/Ascot was so popular! First Jade, then you…heh! No idea the idea would be so popular…but REMEMBER peoples, this is a PARODY!**

**Yume no Kokoro: Heeey, that's what I'M doing! XD I swear, MANY too many people like Clef/Ascot! Maybe instead of making FUN of shonen-ai pairings, I'm actually ENCOURAGING them…? 0.0 Oh God, what have I DONE! XD**

**So. Read. Right now. Ja.**

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Lantis had barely reached the door of Clef's private office when a nasally voice resounded down the corridor form behind him. Hearing the ominous flapping of wings, fear reflexively sprang into Lantis's eyes. He turned around slowly, to face the horror. It couldn't be…no, it HAD to be—

"HIIIII, LANTIIIIIS!" Primera popped up from behind his shoulder-guard, scaring the Cail half to death. Of course, his facial expression was identical as it always was…but Lantis had a good idea that he would need to change his underwear quite soon. Ignorant, the fairy continued to ramble. "Lantis, Lantis, where've you been all day, that white puffball rabbit tried to body slam me again and I was stuck for an hour, and I yelled for you but you didn't come, why are you ignoring me Lantis, I think we've grown apart since those magic knights came, and why do you spend so much time around that Hikaru girl anyways Lantis, heyyy, are you even listening to me? LANTIIIS!" Jolted out of his wits, Lantis continued to ignore the persistent, persnickety, pocket-sized pixie, turning instead to turn the doorknob to the Study. As it clicked open, Lantis had no idea what he was about to find would scare him far more.

"….."

"Oh…my…Mokona…"

"GOOD MOKONA, LANTIS, WHAT ARE THEY DOING!"

Clef and Ascot were sprawled over each other on top of Clef's desk, piles of paper and miscellaneous magical knickknacks having been shoved to the floor around it. Ascot's cape, tunic, and shirt and all been discarded. Both were extremely sweaty. An out-of-breath Clef had apparently been kissing his way down Ascot's neck, due to a large hickey forming on the side of it. And Ascot, a glazed expression in his eyes, had just been in the process of taking off Clef's shirt. Both now stared wide-eyed at Lantis and Primera, standing in the doorway, and then simultaneously snapped their heads around to stare at each other…not a hard feat, since, to their discovery, their faces were now less than an inch apart.

That night, a cry rang throughout all of Cephiro, one that curdled milk, shattered glass, and killed flies in midair.

"WTF!"

**dpdpdpdpdpdpdpdpdpdpdpdpdpdpdpdpdpdpdpdpdpdpdpdpdpdpdp**

"Doo-doo, do-do-DOO, doo, do-do-DOO, DOO, do-do—"

"Shhh!"

The two Earth girls were currently in the process of tiptoeing down a corridor, James Bond-style, pressed against the wall. Jade had made the mistake of humming the James Bond theme song, one of the oldest styles of physical humor known to date, earning a sharp glare from her partner. "Jade, we don't even know where this is all happening, or where the Slash Monster is! And we haven't disguised ourselves yet…it's very important that we do NOT get questioned until we at least have the Slash Monster's coordinates!"

A high-pitched, girly scream resounded from the other end of the castle, as the two sweatdropped. Jade grinned. "I'd say he's somewhere at the other end of the hall. You?"

Narri rolled her eyes as Jade tiptoed by her. "I'd shay he's shomewhere in da uvver end of da hall. Joo?" she mimicked under her breath, following the bouncing redhead. Suddenly, they both remembered something. "THE COSTUMES!" they exclaimed simultaneously, turned to sprint down the corridor the way they'd come.

Fifteen minutes later, the girls found themselves exactly where they'd taken off from, only this time they were out-of-breath and irritable. "Dangit!" Narri exclaimed. "We can't find Clef or ANYbody else until we put on the outfits…and we can't do THAT without—"

"AH SWEAR Presea, you absolutely HAVE to try this on! I ain't taking no for an answer!"

"But Caldina, your stuff never fits me…and when it DOES, I might as well be wearing that swimming outfit the knights brought me from Earth!"

"But ain't they adorable? S'a matter of fact, I'm wearing MAH 'swimming suit' to a performance next week!"

"Caldina!"

"Whaaat?"

Jade and Narri turned to face each other, suddenly sporting identical evil grins. The two raced in side a nearby closet to hide as the voices of Pharl Presea and Caldina came closer.

Inside the closet, Jade and Narri frantically discuss battle tactics in hushed voices.

"So when they walk by—"

"We jump out and club them over the head, I know, I know!"

"Okay then, and…in case of failure…"

"…?"

"Abort mission: run like hell and meet back here in an hour?"

"Sounds good. Hit it!"

With an animalistic roar, the two fangirls sprang from the closet, right on top of a (now-freaking) Caldina and Presea. Launching everything they had at the unsuspecting duo, and making extremely good use of a couple of frying pans, a collection of multi-colored sporks, a shinai-shaped umbrella and a letter opener, rendered Caldina and Presea unconscious in a matter of minutes. Narri quickly commences tying up Caldina, and Jade—

BONG! BONG! BONG!

uh, Jade…

"Jadey!"

"TAKE THAT, YOU HOMEWRECKER!"

BONG! BONG! BONG!

"JADE!"

"Steal MY CLEFFIE, will you, you orange-haired HUSSY!"

BONG! BONG! BONG!

"Put DOWN the frying pan, you're gonna KILL HER!"

"GOOD! More Clef for me!"

"JAAAA-ADE!"

…Jade is…apparently not done subduing Presea yet. Though the Pharl is already unconscious…

**+5 Min. Later…+**

Narri sighed as she adjusted Caldina's choker around her own neck. "Honestly Jadey, you were gonna kill her!"

"Nuh-uh!" Jade protested, yanking Presea's tall socks over her own short legs. "I just wanted her out of commission! How come you always pair her and MY Cleffie, anyways?"

"Because they just work out so WELL together!" Narri gushed, having a shipper moment. "And he's not YOURS Jade, he's CLAMP's. Ya gotta remember, we're not even canon characters!" Annoyed, she tried to pull Caldina's bikini-esque outfit around so it would cover more. "Dangit! Why does she have to dress like every day's Spring-freakin'-Break!" complained the modest teen.

"Because Lafarga's into that!" Jade smirked, clasping her hands and puckering her lips in Narri's direction. The blonde shuddered, and promptly changed the subject. "I have a feeling we're gonna have to test out Cephiro's 'power of will'. Look at you!" Jade glanced down at her tiny body, Presea's various garments drooping off of her everywhere. "Whaaaat? Oh, like you have the build to pull off Caldina!"

"I'M not as bad! I'M filling out!"

"Why you…"

Narri sighed. "Sorry. Okay, we both know how this works." Jade agreed. "We've read enough fanfics…"

"Right. So just concentrate REEEAL hard, and just…think _tall_ thoughts!"

"I THOUGHT you were sorry!"

**)( Five minutes and a good deal of DNA-bending body-morphs later…)(**

A MUCH taller Jade stepped out of the broom closet, peering down the hallway to check for civilians they might have to (cough) "make disappear for a while". Narri, having finished tying up their two victims (and having dropped about 15 pounds, and now looking much more busty), was pulling out a set of mini-screwdrivers to work on her PDA again. "Stay cool Jadey, I'll HOPEFULLY have this done in a sec. Just keep watch or something. Oooh, I'm gonna kill that bunny…" she mumbled as she fiddled with her PDA. Jade adjusted her Presea wig and tried to look as Pharl-ish as possible. "Right. Got it. Keeping watch." She mumbled to herself, striking a lookout pose. Suddenly, her super-sonic ears detected a pair of small feet dashing frantically down the hall adjacent to theirs. She hastily kicked the closet door closed ("Hey! It's dark in here!") and struck an innocent and unsuspicious pose. She already had her speech mapped out in case anyone questioned her: 'Hi there! Yeah, I'm just waiting to meet my darling Clef…we're _dating_!' Sure, that was very convincing… However, the last person the teen expected to see came racing helter-skelter around the corner and down the hall at that very moment.

Guru Clef was racing at nearly a breakneck speed down the hallway, his hair a mess and his robes half-off. Spotting Jade, or at the moment _Presea_, he made a beeline straight for the fangirl (who was just a leetle bitty bit overcome, and resembling a deer in the headlights). "Presea! Thank Mokona…!" he cried, seizing her by the arms and dipping her over backwards…

…for an extremely passionate, all-out, cue-the-bells-and-whistles, chibi-cupids-in-the-background smooch.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending from whose perspective you're viewing this), Narri found her way out of her own private jungle of color-coded wires and extension cords and tripped out of the closet, just as Lantis and an equally frantic Ascot came running down the hall in pursuit of Clef. With much effort, the two were pried apart (Jade not putting up much resistance, being now fully paralyzed with awe) and the two taller guys dragged Clef off from whence they'd come. "Come ON Clef…"

"I'm a man, I tell you! A MAAAAN!"

"Um…sorry about this, girls…" A disgusted/confused Lantis made their excuses. Narri, supporting Jade (who had pretty much turned into a drooling, quivering mass of jello with heart-shaped eyes), replied with a genki little giggle, "Aww, no problem, boys! Y'can't stop the forces of love, y'know?"

She only just remembered she was masquerading as Caldina in time to use the ditzy southern accent, but being from Kentucky, it was hardly a problem.

Ascot looked on the verge of spontaneous combustion, although far more stable than Clef (whom Lantis was having to drag by himself: Ascot was NOT going within 3 feet of the Master Mage at the moment). "Yeah…something like that…" he replied vaguely as the trio disappeared around the corner.

Narri frowned, dropping the Valley Girl façade. Such behavior as was just displayed was common from the Slash Monsters' victims. She remembered how, in the Slayers fandom, Zelgadis promptly and unhesitatingly proposed to Princess Amelia after the Slash Monster compelled him to make out with Xellos, and how in the Fruits Basket universe, Kyo Sohma had to be rushed to the emergency room via helicopter after the Homosexual Horror paired him up with Hatsuharu. Really, Narri concluded, they were extremely lucky that the Cephiran citizens were behaving this well. They were also pretty lucky that, as far as THEY knew, the Slash Monster only affected guys: otherwise their prey would've had her and Jade shacked up and off his trail LONG ago.

Oh, and speaking of Jade…the fangirl/Monster-hunter had yet to regain consciousness, and was mumbling incoherent phrases that sounded dangerously like she was confessing her undying love to the incapacitated Guru. Narri rolled her eyes, hoping that SHE didn't behave like this around HER bishounen of choice. She also hoped that Jade would remember that Clef thought she was Presea at the time…and that their special little broom closet had an abundance of sponges. She had a feeling she would need to mop Jade off the floor before they made any further moves.

**PdPdPdPdPdPdPdPdPdPdPdPdPdPdPdPdPdPdPdPdPdPdPdPdPd**

**A/N: FINALLY, an update! XD I know, I know, ya'll were absolutely DESOLATE, right? (Yah, I wish…) Well! Here today, we have an extra BONUS FEATURE, courtesy of the Jadey (GTJ)! So ya'll be appreciative 'n review nicely, okies? Okies! See ya next time!**

**Next chapter: Ferio and Lafarga get it on, and we discover the DOWN side to our little masquerade! XD Ja!**

**O! MA! KE!**

Jade and Narri no Video Diary! 0

Two Earthling teenagers were brought in to Cephiro today in a hope to exterminate the elusive Slash Monster. Narri, one of the teenage duo released this statement: "The Slash Monster has been causing havoc around Cephiro castle! Kailu Lantis has admitted to having kinky thoughts about Eagle Vision, sub commander of the NSX. Bal Ascot and Guru Clef have been spotted making out-" It was at this point Jade interrupted "HELL YEAH! Guy-on-guy action!" Jade was then gagged by Narri. "Also, due to the trauma the situation is putting on its victims, Cail Lantis almost had a FACIAL EXPRESSION!" The two girls plan to defeat the Slash Monster and keep him as a pet "We're going to call him Slashy-kun," commented Jade. Will these two hormonal teens defeat the Slash Monster? Only time will tell.

NARRI AND JADE'S VIDEO DIARY!

Narri: Welcome viewers to... Narri and Jade's Video Diary!  
Jade: Now we have an exclusive interview with Guru Clef! Yay!  
Narri: I'm not letting you interview him... imagine the questions (Gags Jade)  
Clef: O.o;  
Narri: So... where were you?  
Clef: In my study...  
Narri: With?  
Clef: Ascot...  
Narri: And then what?  
Clef: Well, just like that (clicks fingers) I started to find him... attractive...  
Narri: ...Attractive?  
Clef: Well... Actually... He was more like... Goddamn sexy... He was all out of breath and stuff...  
Narri: O.o Why?  
Clef: He had just done an experimental spell.  
Narri: Ok. And then what happened?  
Clef: We... (blushes violently) ...kissed...  
Jade: (degags self) Was he any good!  
Narri: Jaaaade! (regags Jade) So... erm... Who came on to whom?  
Clef: I... It was me... I came on to him...  
Narri: And then what?  
Clef: Lantis came in...  
Jade: (degags self) Did he join in?  
Clef: O.o (snick)  
Narri: (regagging Jade) Then what?  
Clef: Ascot and I realized what we were doing and broke apart...  
Narri: And..?  
Clef: That was it really...  
Narri: As you can see viewers, Clef was left traumatized and deeply disturbed. This is Narri!  
Jade: (degags self) This is Jade!  
Narri and Jade: Ja!

(OFF-CAMERA)

Jade: Awww. I wanted to interview Cweffy (pouts)  
Narri: You managed to input two whole questions into that interview...  
Jade: Which, may I add, were left unanswered...  
Narri: And just by going off those two questions... An interview with you would be... disturbing...  
Jade: Fine. (pouts) ...Omg!  
Narri: What?  
Jade: I've just come up with another of my ever so wonderful theories!  
Narri: Really?  
Jade: Yeah! I'll get back to you with it! (Jade runs off) Baiiii!

NARRI AND JADE'S VIDEO DIARY! Take #2!

Jade: Greetings my devoted followers. Jade here! No Narri though, she's off somewhere... Today, I wish to present to you another 'Jade Theory'... Ahem... ASCOT IS THE ONE BEHIND THE SLASH MONSTER!  
Ascot: (tied up) What!  
Jade: Ahem. So, Ascot... Is it or is it not true you have a special connection with creatures?  
Ascot: Well, yes I do, but-  
Jade: And you can summon and communicate and control these creatures?  
Ascot: Yes, but-  
Jade: The Slash Monster is a creature, yes?  
Ascot: Yes, but-  
Jade: But what?  
Ascot: I HAVE NO CONNECTION TO THE SLASH MONSTER!  
Jade: Suuuuure... In fact... It's you who released the Slash Monster, wasn't?  
Ascot: Eh?  
Jade: You're using the Slash Monster as a cover-up, aren't you?  
Ascot: Eh?  
Jade: You want Clef, don't you!  
Ascot: What?  
Jade: You want Clef! You want to hold him and hug him and kiss him and make out with him and squeeze him and feel him and undress him and lick him and-  
Ascot: NO! NO NO NO! STOP RIGHT THERE! STOP!  
Jade: Do you have no consideration for Clef's feelings in all of this? Haven't you considered that he loves someone else?  
Ascot: I am aware that he likes Presea...  
Jade: Presea? Presea! PRESEA! Never mind Presea! What about meeee!  
Ascot: ...(scared)  
Jade: Moving on.. Tell me truthfully... Do you like -like- Clef?  
Ascot: O.o no  
Jade: You can tell me! I won't tell anyone!  
Ascot: Listen. I have no interest in Clef.  
Jade: Oh really? And then what do you call this? (holds up artist's impression of the Slash Monster)  
Ascot: That… Is the Slash Monster...?  
Jade: Which -you- released just so -you- could make out with Clef!  
Ascot: No.  
Jade: But then you were disturbed by Lantis and thus you did not get very far with Clef! How far would you have gone with Clef anyway?  
Ascot: I can not believe I am hearing this...  
Jade: A little pixie told me you were both undressing each other...  
Ascot: O.o  
Jade: But never mind! AND THEN because you got ticked off at Lantis you seeked revenge by setting the Slash Monster upon Lantis and made him have kinky, kinky thoughts about Eagle.  
Ascot: But wasn't that before Lantis came to the study?  
Jade: That is not the point! And then you took out your anger on Ferio and Lafarga and set the Slash Monster on them as well!  
Ascot: No…that hasn't even HAPPENED yet…  
Jade: Who will you set the Slash Monster upon next? Who? Who! WHO!  
Narri: (barges in) JAAAADE! Stop harassing poor Ascot!  
Jade: Sorry Narri-chan :3  
Narri: I'm sorry about this Ascot. She's mentally insecure.  
Ascot: I gathered  
Narri: Come on Jade.  
Jade: Coming! This is Jade! JA!  
(Jade and Narri leave)  
Ascot: Will someone untie me? Please? …And…where the hell's my hat!

Jade: (walking down the hall) See? Look what I got for you! Now don't be maaaad…

Narri: (walking also…and wearing Ascot's hat) Siiigh…okay. You're off the hook. Thanks for the hat.

Jade: (3

XDDD Bai bai


	5. Guys and Their Swords

**A/N: YAAAY, I'm so hyped! Today I got…DDR! And a fever/sore throat…summer colds suck. (pouts) Ah well. Here's the ficcie, have at it. **

Cail Lantis paced the length of the Master Mage's study, deep in thought. Events were getting more and more…yes, "twisted" was definitely the word. At least everyone had calmed down (calm being a relative word, of course) and were acting semi-rationally.

"UUUUMIIIII…"

"GSMRglphRRlgmrrstrjrbsh!"

Siiigh...

The Cail, twitching, turned his gaze to Clef's large worktable, where Ascot was curled up in a fetal position, bawling his eyes out and blubbering apologies to a photograph of the Water Knight. Clef, much to his chagrin, had been deemed a danger to himself and others and had been firmly duct-taped to his throne-like desk chair. Lantis wondered for the millionth time why he hadn't just stayed in Autozam.

"So…that's how it happened?" he asked for the fifty-millionth time. He'd been in the study for hours trying to pry an explanation out of the distraught pair. And he still had no idea what was going on. Lantis sighed…again…as neither seemed to notice his question. He'd always counted on Clef to take charge of idiocy like this. Now the normally calm, cool, collected Guru was blubbering like a baby.

No, wait…that was Ascot. CLEF was only speechless, outraged, and a million kinds of stunned…some of them more violent than others, hence, the duct tape.

Lucky him.

Lantis shook his head: he really hadn't been expecting an answer anyways. "I must admit…at first I thought this trivial, but now I shall bring to light that I, too, have been having tendencies to…lean THAT way…as of late. Earlier today, I was jolted awake from an otherwise peaceful nap by rather…disturbing…thoughts of Eagle Vision. Normally I would be questioning the imminent loss of my sanity, but other suspicious signs, such as your little…transgression…" all present twitched, "…leads me to believe that darker forces may be at work."

Cough, cough.

The cail glanced in Ascot's direction: he had ceased his blubbering (thankfully) and was now coughing rapidly and admiring the floor's lovely tile pattern with extreme attention. "Yes…Ascot?"

The boy-turned-guy blushed, trying out what he apparently meant to be an assuring grin as he shrank back timidly. "Well, y'know, Lantis…that's not THAT…I mean, strange, y'know? I mean…WE…understand…" Lantis raised an ominous eyebrow at the dramatic-growth-spurt-victim. "EXCUSE me?"

"Well, it's sort of EXPECTED…I mean…we've all sorta…gotten the hint…"

"WHAT are you FOOLS TALKING about!" The Cail's normally stern face was just about to cross that line into "miffed". Oh the horror. At least for Ascot. As Lantis glowered, Clef cowered, and Ascot sweatdropped so massively that it was surprising his neck didn't snap. "Uhm…that is to say, Ithinkwe'dbettergonowbyeLantis!" Ascot tore like heck for the door.

"MMrrphgllrstmrr…" Clef agreed, attempting to propel himself toward the door on his tiptoes. Lantis, about to escort the tiny mage out by his abnormally-high shirt collar, caught a glimpse of something dangling from one of the Guru's tapestries. Reeling Clef back in like a fish, via the hem of his robes, Lantis scraped a glob of green goo off the cloth hanging with a finger. "Clef…do you know what this is?"

The Master Mage shrugged free of his gag and raised an eyebrow disgustedly. "Yes…apparently housekeeping isn't doing their job. Remind me to change Fyula's litterbox myself later."

"NO!" Lantis was nearly at his wits' end. "I've seen similar gunk before…right outside my chambers, as a matter of fact…and right after I was influenced to think those aforementioned thoughts of Eagle." Clef's brow furrowed, jumping onto Lantis' train of thought. "They COULDN'T be connected…but nonetheless, this is suspicious. I'm beginning to agree: there MAY be more to this than a lazy cleaning lady after all."

Lantis nodded in agreement. "Should we notify Lafarga to put his men on alert?"

Clef shook his head, raising a hand to his chin deep in thought, still dangling in midair by the back of his robes. "Let's not bring it to that yet. There may be a disease going around the palace of some foreign origin. We should take a sample of this odd…slime, I'd call it…to the palace healers. They may be able to assist us with tracing the substance. There may yet be no need for panic. As of now, let us wait and observe any other odd changes in peoples'…preferences."

Five minutes later, Lantis was well on his way to the infirmary wing of the palace, with a sample of the green gook wrapped in a handkerchief and a great deal more thoughts in his head than he'd woken up with that morning.

"LIIIIIFE IS WOOOOON-DER-FUL…."

Twitch, twitch.

Jade spun down a long corridor with hearts in her eyes and a song in her heart, as Narri was beginning to severely sympathize with Cephiro's cail. Her eye had been twitching spastically and she was having the greatest difficulty NOT stopping every few steps to violently bang her head against a wall.

Jade, on the other hand, was walking on air. On the highest of highs, she was spinning around like a ballerina, somehow managing to move forwards at the same time. In the greatest of anime special-effects, enormous pink hearts and yards upon yards of lace swirled through the background, and sparkles, seemingly from out of nowhere, filled the air. Narri was feeling more than a little suicidal. "JADE…he's a MIDGET…"

"He's MY midget!" Jade squealed, not phased a bit. Narri bit her tongue: Jade noticed. She frowned cutely, twirling back to Narri. "Na-rri-chaaan…why can't you be HAPPY that Cleffie and I have finally REALIZED OUR LOVE!" Jade cooed, twirling down the corridor ahead of her partner, who was beginning to have an allergic reaction to the sparkles. Narri tried desperately to knock the redhead out with her handy-dandy croquet mallet (a-la Hammerspace) but the pink hearts and lace had formed a sort of a protective barrier around the girl. The sparkles were beginning to nauseate the blonde so strongly that she was forced to give up attempting to conk her partner over the head (momentarily) and dash into the nearest bathroom to loudly worship the porcelain god Ralph.

"JADE…" Narri mumbled, stumbling out of the lavatory and wiping her mouth disgustedly, "Tune down the sparkles a little, ne? I'm getting ill. And at the magnitude you're putting them out, they may form an organized society and try to invade the castle." Jade nodded quickly, and sobered JUUUST enough to banish the sparkles. It HAD happened before, after all. "Aww, Narri, don't act like you wouldn't do the same if you'd snogged Ferio." Narri twitched, quickly banishing thoughts of a certain brown-eyed boy waiting for her in Kentucky. "Kelly is one thing; I'M another. I'M a Fuu/Ferio fangirl…Ferio's cool, but them together is best. THAT'S why I swiped my 'Nii-chan's camera-phone!" Narri flashed a peace sign while holding up a tiny cell phone for all to see (still drying from their little fieldtrip into Cephiro's finest toilets). Jade rolled her eyes. "And for what reason did we need this l'il conversation?"

"I'm sure the fans/readers are interested in our character preferences."

"I'm sure they're NOT."

"Well, you've made your own preference towards the midget Guru pretty obvious," Narri sighed sarcastically, glancing at the nearest wall. Jade suddenly sprouted kitty-ears a-la our favorite canon, red-braided heroine as something clicked in her mind. Grinning, she draped an arm around her partner's shoulders. "It's okay, Narri…you don't have to be jealous…"

The blonde was at the other side of the hall in .3 seconds flat, having turned a lovely shade of blue and glancing longingly back towards the bathroom. "I think NOT," she growled, holding up a homemade picket sign with "STRAIGHT AS A LINE" scrawled onto it in bold black paint. Jade blinked. "Where did you get that sign?"

Narri blinked in surprise herself, turning to look at the large sign that had sprouted seemingly from nowhere. "Uhmm…Hammerspace?"

"That works."

"AND makes tons of sense," Narri stated blandly, as the sign had suddenly disappeared to the plot device from whence it had come. Suddenly, a gi-normous crash and what sounded like the rumble of falling, smashed stone resounded from the end of the hall, catching the attention of both disguised schoolgirls. After quickly checking their Presea/Caldina costumes over and having adjusted wigs, the two teenaged monster-hunters split for the large courtyard the passageway led out into.

Ferio caught his breath as he was slammed into the wall behind him by the force of Lafarga's attack. He winced, rolling away quickly as his opponent's blade scraped into the wall where he had been a split second before. The prince shook his sprite-bottle-green head to clear his vision and once again faced the captain of the guard. Lafarga was even deadly with dulled practice blades, and sometimes didn't seem to know his own strength.

Alas, such was the price one paid for a sparring partner who wasn't afraid to hold back against their prince.

The tall blond charged again, a battle cry erupting from his throat. Ferio ducked under the swing of his captain's sword (not a difficult feat when fighting a Goliath) and swung up at the Dal's chestplate.

The very earth beneath him swung like an insane merry-go-round, and his vision tinted pink momentarily, as his blade swooshed a hair's breadth away from Lafarga's nose. Lafarga looked as floored as Ferio was by the split-second change of lighting, as his dusted-blue chestplate clattered to the ground. Ferio shook his head again and resumed his fighting stance. The sun had probably just slid behind a cloud momentarily. Yeah, that's it…a pink cloud. And there'd just been a little earthquake. Though there hadn't been an earthquake since Cephiro had reformed…

Lafarga stood braced for the next attack as well. Ferio steadied himself: he couldn't allow a moment of indecision to lose him a sparring bout. But…he'd sliced off Lafarga's chestplate…accidentally…right? They should stop, so he could get new armor…but HOT DAMN, his captain was well-muscled. Had he ever seen Lafarga without all his armor on before? One could see rippling muscles through his skin-tight shirt, making Ferio a little envious…as well as curious. What would they be like to the touch?

The Dal didn't seem phased, either. He raised his blade to his mouth and flicked it lightly with his tongue, then beckoned to Ferio with a wave of his hand. "Let's go." His voice made Ferio shudder, chills flashing down his spine. With a battle cry of his own, he launched forwards. Lafarga met him halfway, their blades clashing together for only a moment, before they scraped apart with a 'clang' and both warriors stumbled forwards past their opponent.

Ferio's tunic slipped off of him and pooled on the ground, as half of his cape fluttered to rest on the dirt behind him as well. The prince blinked as half of his long sleeves slid down around his wrists. He impaled his sword into the dirt to yank them off hurriedly, then took up his blade again and turned to face the taller man. His breath was coming in ragged gasps. Golden eyes met blue, and blue gleamed predatorily. Lafarga smirked as he charged again. Ferio could barely follow his movements, using all his energy to block and evade the Dal's lethal strokes. He jabbed upwards desperately, hoping to hit anything. He felt the blade slip through cloth, and felt something rip against his sword as they separated.

Lafarga landed on the ground several yards away, after a massive retreat-jump. A slit ran straight down the front of his shirt, which proceeded to fall open, revealing a well-muscled chest. He grinned eerily, glancing at the ruined clothing, and discarded it completely. Ferio blushed beet-red. Grimacing, he took up his fighting stance again, fueled by an unsuspected boost of testosterone from who-knew-where. He felt a smirk curl his own lips as he leveled his blade at shoulder-level and charged his prey.

And two Earthlings-in-disguise stumbled into the courtyard.

**A/N: An' that's that for chappy-ter five! (3 Yes, yes, thank you, thank you…I'd like to thank all the LITTLE people…no applause, just money…**

**Jade: (in background) An' they think I'M crazy…**

**A/N: Heheh! 9-9; Ah well. I have no strength left to attempt humor, teh fever is sapping my energy…**

**Sailor Moon Villain-Dude: YES! MY plan to take over the world by sapping the strength of this authoress is nearly complete! NOBODY can stop me NOW!**

**Sailor Moon: (appears in flash of light) HALT, evildoer! And listen up while I make up a sappy pun having to do with your little minor-baddie-theme! IN THE NAME OF THE MOON!**

**A/N: …… (tosses them all out the window, slams, locks, and collapses onto bad) GOOD NIGHT!**


	6. In Which We Abuse Hammerspace

**(A/N): …Does anyone even read these…?**

**Roses are red, violets are blue. I no own, so you no sue. Toodle-oo!**

**THE CHAPTER THAT COMES AFTER FIVE:**

**

* * *

**

An all-too-familiar moving glob of jelly cackled evilly, yes, cackled, though it had no mouth. Watching from the shadows of one of the many doors to the courtyard, it rubbed its hands (okay, tentacles) together satisfactorily. Everything was falling into place. The world of Cephiro was crumbling (figuratively, duh, not ANOTHER apocolypse) at his feet (or lack thereof) faster than he could have dreamed. Nearly all the males in the palace were at eachother's throats: literally! His power was even now leeching off of the prince himself and the captain of the guard, who were two of the most influential and powerful men in Cephiro, respectively. If only he could capture that Cail…now THAT would be REAL power! The Slash Monster gritted his non-teeth frustratedly. He'd heard incredible things about Cail Lantis, by eavesdropping throughout the palace. Tremendous power was in his very aura. The Slash Monster would NOT fail his next attempt. He would turn the magic swordsman if it ended him! For now, though, the Monster turned back to the battle before him, more and more rapidly becoming a rather risque striptease, without even the knowledge of its participants. God, he loved his job! Energy flooded into him like a moth to a lamp.

And the best part of all was that those accursed monster-hunters who were always foiling his plans didn't even know he was there at all—

-oh crap, there they were.

The Slash Monster fled.

* * *

Narri and Jade skidded to a halt in the doorway opposite that that their nemesis had prviously been lurking in. Jade, with her Clef-centric bishounen-preference, overlooked the display before them easily and scanned the rest of the courtyard quickly enough to see the Slash Monster retreated down the opposite corridor. "Narri, LOOK! There he…there…uhh…Narri?"

The fangirl was rooted to the floor so firmly that she might have been mistaken for a tree. Trembling, she raised an arm, then a lone pointer-finger, and gestured towards Ferio and Lafarga, still going at it in the middle of the courtyard. "They. Ferio. They. No. Shirts. I. They. Look. They. Sweating. So. Sexy. I. Ferio. They. We—" Jade obligingly rolled her eyes and slapped Narri out of her trance. "You're not allowed to talk about Cleffie and I anymore, you realize."

Upon being firmly jolted out of her "moment" Narri squealed the loudest Fangirl Squeal ever to be Squealed by a Fangirl in the defineable sense of the term "Fangirl Squeal". The world paused for a moment to cover their ears, until she was done and chattering happily and nonstop into her newly-repaired camera-phone. "LAUREN-CHAN! OhmyGod, youAREN'TgonnaBELIEVEthisone! Wait'll I tell y—"

Somewhere in Louisville Kentucky, a very sleepy and irritably-awakened otaku girl blinked and stared disbelievingly down at her bedside lamp. "Narri. Do. You. Have. ANY. Idea. What. Time. It. Is. Here?"

Narri paused to blink down at her watch, having been set upon their arrival to Cephiran time. "Uhmmm…ten a.m.?"

"CLICK—beeeeeeeeeep…" went the phone from 2:17 a.m., Louisville, Kentucky.

Jade rolled her eyes. "NARRI, save the gossip hotline! Slashy-kun's ESCAPING!" Undaunted, Narri continued to giddily snap pictures away on a disposable camera that had materialized from Mokona-knew-where, and dialed another number on her phone. Jade took a moment to be puzzled. "An' where did you get that camera?"

Not ceasing her assault on the button of the camera, Narri answered, "Uhm…hammerspace? OOOH, Ferio's trousers are almost gone!" Jade sighed condescendingly and vaulted over the railing between the hallway platform where they stood and the dirt practice yard itself. "SLASHY-KUN! HALT! WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED!" She yelled through a megaphone she suddenly held, waving an equally-spontaneous butterfly net in the other hand.

"We have him surrounded?"

"Just take your dirty pictures, Narri…"

Jade determinedly charged after the Slash Monster, exhibiting moves that famous track-and-field athletes and Hikaru would be envious of, vaulting over plants, dodging hurdles and exercise dummies, plowing straight through racks of weapons, and mowing down anything and anyone through her way…

…including one sprite-bottle-green-haired prince of Cephiro.

Either from the Slash Monster's retreat, and his powers with him, or from "Presea" rampaging wildly through the middle of their battlefield and running right over Ferio, who would now be more appropriately named "Pancake", the two fencers snapped out of their trance and looked about them wildly. Lafarga caught sight of Narri pouting at Jade's antics from the railing ("Jadeeeey…don't bulldoze canon characters!") and gasped in horror. "C…Caldina! I'm so sorry…OH GOD, what have I DONE!" he ran off in shame at being seen so disgracefully betraying his "beloved Caldina". Narri sprouted kitty ears and question marks materialized in the air over her head, puzzled, as Jade jogged back into the courtyard, panting. "Okay…he's gone…"

Narri pocketed her now-full camera and vaulted over the railing as well, phone in hand, to meet her partner on top of Ferio's head. "Oi, sorry Jadey, but…y'know…they were half-naked…"

"Yes, well, you wrote me a kissy-scene. I guess you deserved—"

"—Mmrph—MMPH-MRRRRPGL…" (Translation: "EX-CUSE me…" ) Both monster-hunters glanced down at the bish currently half-buried in the dirt ground under their feet, and attempting to free himself. They jumped off obligingly (well, Narri jumped off obligingly, and then had to drag Jadey off, who maniacally and Nova-esque-ly started to jump up and down on the trapped prince's head, cackling giddily). Ferio sat up, coughing up dirt and glaring up at the two fakers (not fakirs, mind you). "What the hell is going on here! Presea, Caldina…"

"OOOOH, Jadey, he's so adorable when he's pissed!" Narri squealed, patting the head of the flustered bishie, who winced. " 'Jadey'…? What IS going on! You're PRESEA…"

Jade shot a Look at Narri, who giggled sheepishly. "You did that on purpose."

"Nuh-UH…"

Jade sighed, and removed her wig to Ferio's dismay, who was actually beginning to hope this was all just a bad dream. "P-PRESEA!"

"EEEEEHHHNNN! Wrong!" Jade sighed, dropping the ponytailed orange wig on Ferio's head. "We're Earthlings, you see. I'm Agent Jade Cook, and this is—"

"—call me Narri!" The American chirped, also dropping her hot-pink wig on top of Jade's. "And may I say, I've been a fan of your work for YEARS—"

"—yes, yes…the point is, now that our cover's blown, that we're here on business—"

"—though we wouldn't mind actually taking a break now and then. Y'know, see the sights, go to the beach, check out the Forest of Silence, maybe a tour of the palace—"

"—yeah, all that. But MOSTLY we're here on business." Jade squirmed under the confused…heck, downright stoned…gaze of a confuzzled Ferio, while Narri giggled in the background and snapped more pictures on her camera-phone. She was NOT used to being the serious one, but strict-Narri was currently inaccessible. Le sigh. "We're here to hunt down a threat to all of Cephiro, one which you have already experienced first-hand. A horrible monster which invades anime, book, even movie…well, basically all sorts of media fandoms has now entered Cephiro, and lurks through the halls of the castle even as we SPEAK!" Jade suddenly had a flashlight, and aimed it under her chin for scary effect, yes, VERY scary, except it was daylight, so "poo". Or "puu" as it may be. Ferio blinked. "Where'd that thing come from?"

"Uhmmm…hammerspace."

"What's—"

"Nevermind, doesn't matter. Now, where was I…?"

"Lurking through the castle?" Narri offered helpfully. "OH, YES, that's right! Lurking through the castle is the hideous and feared Slash Monster! Or Slashy-kun, to us." Jade smiled, as Ferio sweatdropped, wondering why in the worlds they had given their quarry a pet name. Narri decided it was time to add her two cents' worth. "We've been chasing him through all sorts'a fandoms for a long time now. It's our job." She smiled proudly. "An' we always get him…but then he always gets away from us somehow! So we've gotta catch him again..." she pouted. "It does get rather monotonous, ne?"

"Yeah…I TOLD you we should've gotten that shock collar!"

"He's not a DOG Jadey, he's practically jelly! That thing could fry him to pieces!"

"Oh, he'd LIVE…"

"WAIT a second!" Ferio interrupted, more than a leetle confused. "Why's this…THING…so dangerous, anyways! I mean, if it's 'practically jelly', what can it really…DO?" he complained. Both fangirls looked at eachother, sighed, and finished their grisly, space-occupying explanation.

* * *

The Slash Monster slithered along the polished and shining corridor, exhausted and out-of-breath. Damn, those idiot monster-hunters moved fast! If only his powers worked on girls, he would've had them suitably distracted and off his trail LONG ago! He shook his gooey head in disgust. That unspeakable hellhole they imprisoned him in everytime they caught him…it was a place of unimaginable horror, the likes of which no one in their right mind would ever traverse. He nearly lost his sanity whenever he was encased in that putrid stinking vat of chaos, a veritable breeding ground for lost minds and rotting souls. He shuddered, and it vibrated through his entire liquidy frame. They'd never take him alive again.

He halted, and squished his way into a narrow space between a pillar and, ironically, a statue of a former Pillar. A wide-open doorway his left provided ample opportunity for further feeding…but before the Slash Monster had the chance to extend his powers to whomever the room contained, he heard an all-too-familiar voice emanating from inside.

"…You honestly have no idea?"

"None at all, sir Cail…this is as foreign a substance as we have ever seen. I would take it back to the Guru and have him run some sort of magical experiments on it, or something of the like…it really is a matter for sorcerers to deal with, not us."

"So you don't care if more people fall victim to this odd plague?"

"Look, how are WE supposed to know if this is really a veritable disease, or just a bunch of people coming out of the closet?"

"…….."

The Slash Monster grinned. The Cail again…he'd caught on, had he? Apparently the Guru was aware of his presence as well. And yet, despite their "knowledge", they were as confused as ever. 'Those fools…' he cackled mentally. He paused as he heard who he assumed to be some palace healer continue.

"…Look…this MAY really be some sort of disease which affects the mind and emotions, or causes some temporary insanity…it is very possible, now that I think of it. A lot of diseases have sprung up recently, which we've never even heard of before. Our top physicists theorize that they may be the result of so much access to these foreign countries, something which Cephiro has never had before."

"…That is one option."

"Indeed," the healer sounded so relieved, the Slash Monster theorized Cail Lantis must have been directing one of his infamous "Look"s at the man. "In fact, one would suggest delaying the upcoming peace delegation, just out of interest in regards to palace health."

"…I'm afraid that would be impossible…the delegates are arriving this evening."

"Ah…"

"Either way, I'm not too concerned about it. I did not contract any foreign disease while in Autozam, at least. We should be relatively safe."

"…But Cail…if this disease does what you…SAY it does…then…will it really be the best choice to have all these gentlemen together at the same time?"

"We'll figure that out when we come to it. Thank you for your assistance," Lantis swept out of the healers' quarters.

The Slash Monster was already on the move.

* * *

"…And that's the deal," Narri and Jade nodded firmly. Ferio had a massive headache…but felt somewhat more relieved. "…Oh, THANK YOU MOKONA! I HAVEN'T betrayed Fuu, I HAVEN'T! Oh, Mokona…THANK YOU!" He danced around in ecstacy. Jade grumbled. Narri beamed and took more pictures.

Sobering, Ferio frowned. "So how do ya'll go about catching this thing?" Narri grinned. "We chase it."

"Yeah…"

"An' we catch it!"

Ferio facefaulted. "Just like that? How about some detail!"

Jade rolled her eyes in disdain. "We're professionals!" Narri "peace-sign-ed" in the background. "Plus, hammerspace is on our side. We're…AUTHORESSES!" She struck a dramatic pose. Jade sighed and pulled a long chrome cylinder out of her (Presea's) boot. "Yep! And now, my favorite part…" she held up the neuralizer in front of Ferio's eyes. "You've seen too much. Look here, please!" Narri squeaked and pounced on Jade's arm. "JADEY, NO!"

"HE'S SEEN TOO MUCH, NARRI!"

"YOU'RE BIASED AGAINST HIM!"

"……DUUUHHHH!"

"YOU'RE GONNA MESS WITH HIS MEMORIES!"

"……DUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH!"

"JAAAADEEEEYY!"

Ferio watched in slight terror as the two fangirls wrestled over the neuralizer. Narri finally drew her croquet mallet and batted the skinny cylinder into the air and across the courtyard. She then proceeded to jump up and down on the offending instrument while Jade sobbed over the neuralizer's little smashed pieces.

Huffing, panting, and dusting off her hands, Narri skipped back across the courtyard to Ferio, as genki as previously. "You're SAFE, Ferio-sama!" she chirped, flashing another peace sign. Ferio sweatdropped. "Uhmm…thanks? Hey, where did you get that croquet mallet, anyways?"

"…Hammerspace! Now on to business." She clasped Ferio's hands in hers, somewhat of a parody if you've read the manga's version of Fuu and Ferio's romance, but we're sure that if you're anything like Jade you've conveniently omitted it from your memory, so it's irrelevant: the point being, she clasped Ferio's hands in both of hers.

"Will you help us, Ferio?"

"…What?"

"…WHAT?" Jade ceased sniffling to storm over. "He can't come with us, Narri! He's a canon character, and they shouldn't be involved!"

"…Oh, THAT'S a stupid rule. Who made that up?"

"YOU DID!"

"…Oh."

Ferio cleared his throat. "Look ladies, I'll be fine. I'd probably be in ya'll's way anyways…"

"OOOOH, he's so CHARMING!" Narri gushed, patting Ferio's head and handing him a cookie (a-la hammerspace) while Jade made gagging noises in the background. "That settles it, you're coming with us!"

"But—"

"BUT—"

Narri grinned. "Jadey, Slashy-kun is avoiding us, right? Therefore if Ferio's with us, he won't be in any danger! Besides, we are NOT using the neuralizer…" Strict-Narri resurfaced for a split second, "…but he already knows everything anyways, so he can just tag along! Besides, he knows Cephiro WAY better than we do," she beamed happily. "We could use a guide!"

"W-well, I guess…"

"WELL…(sigh)…I GUESS…"

"THAT'S the spirit!" Genki-Narri chirped happily, as Jade shot Ferio a maniacal grin that quite plainly suggested she wished to simply hand him over to the Slash Monster. "We're going to work you harder than you've ever worked in your LIFE, 'Ouji-sama'." Ferio gulped, sweatdropping, as Narri's cell phone went off. Hyperly, she snatched it up and flipped it open. "H'lo…? KELLY-SAAAAAN! O'm'gosh, o'm'gosh, you were right! …Uh-huh…UH-HUH! FERIO WEARS NO UNDERWEAR! AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The green-haired prince, who by now had clothed himself, blushed as hard as his lover was famous for. Jade grinned manically. Ferio was starting to wish he'd taken his chances with the Slash Monster.

* * *

**(A/N): Another successful chapter, ya'll!9-9 I hope ya'll enjoy! Well, not that we really GOT anything accomplished…but Ferio's teamed up with us now! And Slashy knows about the peace conference between all the worlds…OH NO! What will we do? Can we stop him in time? Will I be able to keep avoiding having to write shonen-ai/yaoi in a fanfic centering around it? And WHAT EXACTLY HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO, ANYWAYS! (sobs in a corner)**

**Jade: Uhhmmm…find out next time! Jaaaa!**


End file.
